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Jay Z by NRK P3

By Sha-Os

This morning marked day three of what has been labeled the trial of the very young century. Mogul and megastar Jay-Z now has another moniker to add to his list – accused murderer. Jigga, whose real name is Sean Carter and who was recently indicted for the double-murder of hip hop stars Lil-Wayne and T-Pain, took the stand today to answer questions from a very confident prosecution. “We will prove beyond a reasonable doubt, that Jigga is a hater, who upon realizing his inability to stay relevant in an ever changing musical climate was declining, lost his mind, and committed the ultimate crime of passion. This is not to say that his criticism of the recent trend in music is without merit, but stunted innovation is not what’s on trial here. What we will prove is that Mr. Carter’s motivations for D.O.A. were not righteous indignation, but fear, and to some extent, bitchassedness. The same thing that drove him to murder. I mean seriously the guy was in the “Blame It” video, and didn’t seem to have problem with auto-tune then.”

The brutal slaying of Wayne, and T-Pizzle, rocked the Hip-Hop world, and soon turned into what many considered an indictment of hip-hop itself, as news leaked that lyrics to Jay-Z’s single D.O.A (Death of the Auto-Tune) were found scribbled throughout the slain stars’ dressing rooms. Some see the murder and subsequent trial as simply the manifestation of a rift between two growing camps of hip-hop enthusiasts. While many argue that the advent of the vocoder is merely another stage in the evolution of the genre, self-proclaimed hip-hop purists say the trend represents the departure from what were formerly necessities in music, such as talent and ability. Supreme Ali the God, leader of the rap group “ Nu-Beings” said the murder was a long time coming. “Peace God, I’m just saying it was long overdue for someone to step up, and take responsibility for our music, and cut all that sambo-in’ bullshit out. Niggahs aint even really about makin’ music no more, and I applaud righteous actions and such. Cutting off the hand that offends me and such, you feel me. Asalamalakum my niggah.”

“Really its just about artists havin’ fun, and trying to get paid” said vocoder super star Guap. “Look things change, and we just giving the people what they want. Isn’t that what art is, supplying an audience with an experience? I’m just tryin’ to do me. Do you have any idea how many ringtones I sold this month? I think that speaks for itself. Let them other non-selling ass dudes worry about sayin’ deep shit nobody want to hear. I’ma be here countin’ these ends, and lacin’ stunner shades in platinum. Jay came out of pocket, now he gotta deal with that.”

Mr. Carter’s attorney, however, maintains that his client is innocent of murder, if not a lack of integrity: “We seek to clear Mr. Carter of these scurrilous charges at once. A distinction must be made between the positions an individual actually maintains through his actions, and the positions he seemingly takes in the make-believe world of his lyrics. While the persona known as Jay-Z has recently taken a stand against the use of the Auto-tune as a diminishing of hip-hop as art form, we must remember that this is the same man that did Big-Pimpin’ , as well as continually released singles that fell far below what he is capable of lyrically. Stop taking him seriously. Its rap people, and principles are a matter of convenience. Ask Nas. Remember Oochie-Wally?”

*This is a fictional piece…we hope.

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